Archive for July, 2005

The Great Toast Mystery

Thursday, July 21st, 2005

So there I was, actually on time for work for a change. However, upon arriving at the gate I was signaled for a random car inspection. No problem; this happens on occasion and I am happy to comply with force protection matters.

I popped the hood, trunk, and all doors so that they could do their inspection. I noticed the young German guards were speaking and pointing excitedly into my engine. This is typical as they really like looking at American sports cars and were probably debating on whether their BMWs could outrace my Mustang (I’m sure they could). So imagine my surprise when one of them walked over to me, pointed to the engine, and said in a thick German accent “Ma’am, is this your toaster?”

Puzzled, I walked over to the engine and sure enough, laying on the metal cover of the main engine piece (or whatever the actual term is) was laying…

A piece of partially eaten toasted bread.

Yes, my car apparently functions as a method of transportation AND a toaster.

Naturally, I am a little concerned. Was this a prank? No one has access to my car except for me. The only exception would have been my parents during their visit. The toast was not there during the last car inspection, which was probably around April. If I had been doing my monthly oil checks like I should, I would have noticed it sooner. Any other suggestions?

Plans for tonight: call Dad to ask if while he was here, did he thoughtfully take a look at my car and if he did so, was he having a snack?

Movie Rules of Engagement and One Tip About Sheep

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

I love going to the movies. There is just something about it that thrills me, everything from the sticky floors and scent of stale popcorn to the THX effects and previews. I love it, love it, love it. Even a bad movie seems good on the big screen [there are exceptions to this adage, which I will discuss later]. Probably 99% of the movies I have seen in a theatre were highly enjoyable, yet bored me to tears on the small screen. A good example of this phenomena is “Titantic”. For the record, I didn’t see it on purpose; rather, I got suckered in when a church group decided it would be their weekend activity. Though I spent most of the movie laughing at the women patrons who were crying (what, they didn’t know the boat sinks?), it was still an entertaining three hours of my time. But when it came on HBO, I found it to be a good cure for insomnia.

This is why people who buy DVDs by the cartload puzzle me. I own some DVDs, such as all seasons of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”, plus a few movies that I really really like, such as “The Sound of Music” and “8MM”. Is spending $19.95 on a DVD a better investment than a $2.99 rental, especially if the movie sucks? Of course not. Anyway, I digress.

As with any movie, there are some golden rules.

#1 ““ No noisy children of any variety unless it is a “G” rated movie. No exceptions. If you use the “I can’t afford a sitter” excuse, then you have no business spending $8 for a movie ticket, or procreating for that matter.

#2 ““ If you have a BIG FAT head, don’t sit in front of me. You know who you are. Arrive early, find a seat that you like that also happens to not block anyone for a minimum of 5 rows behind you, and stay put. Do not plop right in front of someone like myself who is 5″4 and rather small.

#3 ““ Never discuss a movie in front of people within hearing distance without first asking if anyone has not seen the movie in discussion.

I saw two movies this weekend: “Star Wars Episode III ““ Revenge of the Sith” and “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Keeping in step with #3, if you have not seen either of these movies, please quit reading now to avoid any possible spoilers. As a courteous person, I do not wish to spoil your opinions or experiences of either of these films.

“Star Wars” is an excellent example of my love of movie theatres. While I must admit that I am not exactly a die-hard Luke/Han Solo/Leia fan, I figured that the “Star Wars” franchise is engrained so deeply in American pop culture that ordinary people like myself should see it on the big screen to fully appreciate it. And indeed, I was entertained beyond my expectations. The opening sequence of the scrolling marquee of words had my heart thumping in excitement, General Grievous’ 4-armed light saber fight had me cheering, and the first moment of breathing through that Darth Vader mask gave me chills. So yes, I liked the movie. But I then spent about 3 hours of my free time analyzing it. Those thoughts would keep me from enjoying this movie on TV, but on the big screen, I loved it.

However, there is that rare 1% when this does not happen. Consider “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”.

It sucked.

Yes, it did. It breezed over the funniest parts of the books (yes, I read the entire series years ago). For instance, Arthur quickly learns to take his towel everywhere but without explanation. We get a whole sequence of dancing dolphins thanking us for fish but only a shoddy breeze-thru of the “42″ answer. They go thru the whole missile-turns-into-surprised-whale bit but leave us hanging with the bowl of petunias that simply says “Not again”. Zaphod Beeblebrox appears to be a hyperactive, brain-damaged recovering crack addict. Arthur Dent came across as a lumpy bore who by comparison makes my toaster appear interesting (yes, he’s quite ordinary in the book but this depiction had no appeal whatsoever). Ford Prefect, now he was cool but barely utilized in the film. And Trillian was a rather minor character in the book but I guess they beefed up her role because they needed an attractive geek to make average men more likely to purchase a movie ticket.

And the restaurant is at the chronological end of the universe, not physical end!

So anyway, it was one of those movies in which I wanted my $3.50 bargain matinee fee and 2 hours of my life refunded, with interest.

The rest of my weekend was quiet and uneventful. We went on a volkmarch Sunday that meandered past many farm animals. Did anyone out there know that sheep like fruit snacks?

Schnappi Lyrics

Thursday, July 14th, 2005

As requested, here is my hack at translating the Schnappi lyrics. Reading them in German proved to me that my listening comprehension of the German spoken word gets a grade of “F”. I thought Schnappi sings that he eats an egg but what he actually means is that he began his life in an egg. Also, snapping at people is his favorite thing, not taking a nap as I previously thought. Schnappi is also quite a little jerk according to the song lyrics.

Anyway, “schnappen” in German appears to mean “snatch”. Taken literally, the song sounds even sillier than it already is. Why would a crocodile want to snatch at anyone instead of biting, chomping, or snapping at them? But I think it is intended as sort of a play on words because “schnap” sounds to me like the noise you hear when someone or something, such as a baby reptile or a typical 2 year old child, bites, chomps, or snaps. Thus the Americanized pronunciation of “Snappi” is actually quite on target with what I think the German songwriter intended (thanks for sharing, Andi).

To avoid repetition, the “Schni Schna Schnappi” seems to be just nonsense, sort of like saying “Snip, snap, Snappi”.

Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil.
I am Schnappi, the little crocodile

Komm aus Ägypten, das liegt direkt am Nil.
I come from Egypt, directly at the Nile

Zuerst lag ich in einem Ei,
At first I laid inside an egg

dann schni-,schna-,schnappte ich mich frei
Then schni-schna- I snatched myself free

[Refrain]

Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp
Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil
I am Schnappi, the little crocodile

hab scharfe Zähne, und davon ganz schön viel
I have sharp teeth, and they are very pretty

Ich schnapp mir was ich schnappen kann
I’ll snatch at you when I whenever I can snatch

ja ich schnapp zu, weil ich das so gut kann
Yes I snatch because I am so good at it

[Refrain]

Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp
Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil
I am Schnappi, the little crocodile

ich schnappe gern, das ist mein Lieblingsspiel
I snatch happily, it’s my favorite game

Ich schleich mich an die Mama ran
I creep up to Mama and she runs

und zeig ihr wie ich schnappen kann
And shows how well I can snatch

[Refrain]

Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp
Schni Schna Schnappi
Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp

Ich bin Schnappi, das kleine Krokodil
I am Schnappi, the little crocodile

und vom Schnappen, da krieg ich nicht zu viel
And I cannot snatch too much at once

Ich beiß dem Papi kurz ins Bein
I bite Papa quickly on his leg

und dann, dann schlaf ich einfach ein
And then, then I simply go to sleep

Brought to you by Fluffy, who is paid far too much money to do this sort of thing while on the clock.

Lance Armstrong Sucks and A Book Review

Monday, July 11th, 2005

Thought #1: Okay, I have had an onslaught of people asking me if I’m going to drive out to the spot in Germany where it seems everyone else is going to watch the Tour de France. My answer is:

No.

Heck no.

Why, you ask, am I not taking part in the chance to see history in the making?

Because Lance Armstrong is a putz.

I don’t care to waste my weekend cheering for some loser who dumps his wife, who supported him thru his battle with cancer and then gave him three children, to take up with a singer whose voice is so horrid that I’m not even going to type her name. Just because you are an excellent athlete does not give you blanket permission to be a jerk.

If I had gotten dragged into going, I was planning to bring a sign that said “Go back to your wife and kids”.

Thought #2 for the day: The Bad Seed is a scary book. Really freaking scary. I’ve read “true crime” stuff like Helter Skelter and And the Sea Will Tell. I’ve even read thru that boring, elementary, pretentious piece of crap novel that critics think is just brilliant, American Psycho. Yet none of those even come close to this tale of a murderous 8 year old fiend. It reads mostly from the perspective of her mother and oh my, the ending is enough to keep you sleeping with one eye open if you live anywhere near a playground. Normally, I would post more of a book review but this is one that I don’t want to say anything else to alter anyone’s experience should they choose to read it. Suffice it to say that it is the most disturbing book I have ever read (and that’s a compliment to the writer, Mr. March).

Italy Trip

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005

Friday - slept in quite late, cleaned the house, and then settled down to watch an episode of “Buffy” from Season 3 before hitting the road at 4pm. Three episodes later, it was 4pm and I hadn’t even packed. I tore myself away from the DVD player and was on the road by 5pm, amazingly enough. I hit the gas station where I ran into this sorta-cute-in-a-jerk-way contractor that I work with occasionally. My St Christoper medal really worked because I made it to the airport with over an hour to spare, which was plenty of time to check in, go thru security, and grab a pastry. A billboard there roughly translated to “While you wait for your RyanAir flight, you burn 27 calories - yet another service from us!” Hehehe.

I landed in Forli and it was only a few minutes before Mr. Wednesday showed up in a borrowed car. Turns out I had flown into an airport that was 3 hours from Pordenone according to mapquest but more like 5-6 hours of Italian driving. Oops. He didn’t mind though and was really nice about it. We could not find a single gas station that was open or had operable self-service until the tank was literally below empty. We finally found one and put in 20 Euros of fuel, which didn’t get us as far as we had hoped. It was about 2:30am and we were lost and almost out of fuel again (to be a trend for the entire weekend), but he called his friend, who though extremely intoxicated was able to give us directions to the base. Hallelujah.

Saturday - woke up really really hungry since I hadn’t eaten for roughly 20 hours (and I get really ancy when I have low blood sugar). With all of the fine Italian food around us, we went to…..the chow hall. Yeah, but it was cheap, close, and good, plus I got to gaze longingly at the beautiful Italian young men who were enjoying midafternoon snacks of Frosted Flakes in the chow hall. How endearing. We left for Aquileia, a town of Roman ruins that either is or isn’t the birthplace of Julius Caesar (depends on which internet site you use). Again running on empty, we made it to the town’s museum, which was good enough but you can’t take photos. We had great philosophical conversations just sitting on some stone benches and staring up at the trees. After the museum, we found a gelato place and mosied around the rest of the town. There are ruins you can actually walk around in and touch and take all the photos you want. Or maybe not; neither of us could read the Italian warning signs. People were nice and friendly and extremely good looking. They are also really into PDA.

Since it was freaking hot, we headed back to the base for cold showers before dinner. We ate dinner at a local restaurant. Honestly, the food wasn’t very impressive but the ambiance was so nice that it made up for it. I had a pleasant conversation with the cashier about sport bikes as well.

Sunday - slept in again and met up with Mr. Wednesday’s very entertaining friend (I don’t have a moniker for him so I’ll call him Friend #1). Friend #1 drove us up the village’s mountain and the view was stunning since it was a clear day. We stopped for some photos at a lodge and enjoyed watching wild deer drinking from pooled water. We proceeded up the mountain and suddenly saw two parasailors plummeting to the ground - they were entangled with each other. It was really freaky and horrible but we couldn’t see them after they left our view, so we kept driving until we could see them again. It looked like they were going to land in a field devoid of trees and rocks, whew. We finally got to a place were Friend #1 could pull over and by then, some viewers had already called for help. I sure hope those people are okay. (Oddly enough, I read a news article today from the states about 2 parasailors who crashed and died, but since this was Italy it was not the same people).

Anyway, we ate at a restaurant on top of the mountain. Or rather, I did. The guys were staring at the lovely waitress’s barely buttoned shirt. Though nearly out of gas again, we coasted down the hill to a grotto where in World War II, villagers tossed all of their holy statues and icons into the mountain stream to keep Nazis from destroying them. The water is very clear but right at the grotto it turns a stunning shade of blue. Cool stuff.

We headed on to the train station and found yet another gelato place while we waited. The train ride into Venice was interesting. Mr. Wednesday was taking a nap but Friend #1 made nice with a choir group (that was rehearsing on the train and quite good) and got a cup of champagne for his efforts. This was my first trip to Venice since I was 9. I remember the dirty canals, which looked much cleaner now and the city has really made quite a facelift from my last memory of it. It’s a delightful place. I bargained with a street vendor for a purse accented with butterfly embellishments from 65 Euros to 15. He looked mad but I figure I learned good bargaining skills after China. We then stopped in a bar and it turns out the 2 guys next to us were from San Francisco and studying art in Florence for the summer. Wouldn’t you know it, we’re in Venice at a bar decorated with lingerie (really) and instead of Italians, we hang with two hippies. Cool. Well, I don’t think they were hippies but they definitely had that artsy, anti-establishment thing going for them, though they were extremely nice even after they found out we were all in the military.

We fed pigeons in the square but I was having so much fun feeding them that I forgot the name of the square. If you’ve ever been there, it’s the big one with all the pigeons. Yeah, I know, not very helpful. The pigeons are so tame that they will climb onto your hand and sit on your shoulder if you want them to. It was getting last so we took a look at the rather sad Bridge of Sighs and hopped the water taxi back to the train station. The train ride home was air conditioned and far better than the WWII esque monstrosity we rode into the city.

We then met up with some of Mr. Wednesday’s friends, Friend #2 and Friend #3, for dinner. I spent at least 10 minutes scrubbing my hands after the realization hit me that I’d been playing with pigeons (basically rats with wings) all afternoon, animal lover that I am. I ate the best pizza I’ve ever had and finally had a good Italian meal. After dinner, we headed back, where we sang karaoke until 3am. I left at 3am but the rest of them were still going strong. In another example of the “it’s a small world after all” syndrome, another friend of his, Friend #4, apparently recognized me from my time in Colorado. I chatted with him in the lobby for a while and he eventually joined us for karaoke.

Monday - tired, tired, tired. The manager was nice enough to call at 10:15am to remind me that checkout was at 11am. I got ready and hung out in Mr. Wednesday’s room to watch “The Vikings” while he did laundry. That is one of my all-time favorite movies, so if you need a good classic, I highly recommend it. We then ate lunch at the Mensa, which is the Italian Air Force’s chow hall as opposed to an ultra-snobby club for geeks. Excellent food and pretty reasonably priced too. More beautiful men to daydream about too. Afterwards, we had to head to the airport. The trip was hot in the non-AC car but still fun and we had good tunes to listen to as well. Got to Forli with enough time for dinner and one last scoop of gelato before boarding my plane. The plane was late landing and it was after 2am before I got home. I was so tired that I kept trying to us my ID instead of my credit card and fell down some stairs, but I didn’t even get lost (that means a lot in Europe, the land of crazy roads and no road signs). All further proof that yes, St Christopher’s work!

All in all, it was a wonderful July 4th even though I didn’t see any fireworks. I hope to get back for another visit with Mr. Wednesday and his friends before he returns to Hawaii.

Fuck You, Alabama….

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

“…and the Florida Gators, too” etc, etc., if you’re singing “Sweet Home Alabama” Auburn style.

I try to refrain from using foul language but I feel it is entirely appropriate here. Really, fuck you Alabama.

Why, you might ask, am I ranting about my home state, probably an early indicator of becoming one of the pajamamudeen, here instead of posting about my adventures in Italy over the July 4th weekend?

Here’s why: in the past 4+ years, I have paid about $5,000 in state taxes to Alabama despite not even living there. In fact, in the last 16 months I have set foot in Alabama once. Some people, henceforth known as Lucky Bastards, are legal residents of states without income tax, such as Florida, Texas, Nevada, etc. and thus have no worries about forking out $5,000. Most military personnel, henceforth known as Somewhat Lucky Bastards, have home states that charge state tax but only for people who reside in the state for more than 30 days annually. These Somewhat Lucky Bastards get to file for a refund each year and receive their taxes back in their pockets. It makes sense to me - they’re not even setting foot in the state thereby not utilizing its services, thus I don’t feel they should be taxed. They instead support the community in which they are stationed. For example, I have funneled income into Colorado, Korea, and now Germany. I did not pay state/country taxes to them but I patronized local establishments, charities, turnpikes, etc.

But today, I find out that Alabama is one of a few states who don’t grant this common-sense right to people like me!

[Okay, so I should have researched this 4 years ago but it was one of those things I kept meaning to investigate. Go ahead, make your smart aleck response if need be.]

So I would like to take a moment to express my gratitude to the state of Alabama for taking my hard earned $5,000 and using it:

- to fund the state colleges’ bottomless pit of recruiting funds for high school athletes. After all, every potential college basketball player currently in his senior year of high school rightfully deserves an SUV in the school’s colors. It’s so much more important than say, putting light fixtures in the Auburn C-zone parking lot.

- to produce “The lottery is evil and gives poor people false hope” infomercials against a state lottery intended to support education, like Georgia’s excellent lottery. Of course they have to produce these infomercials to counteract damage done by the pro-lottery heathens.

- the 3 days that the Monte Sano state park restroom facilities actually had both soap and paper towels. Help keep Alabama beautiful!

- to continue disability payments to 25% of the Alabama population. I swear I read somewhere that 25% of Alabamians are “disabled” (this means they had an unscrupulous lawyer and a fucking stupid judge to approve the claim that their hangnail problem at age 19 renders them permanently handicapped and incapable of work). I’m so glad that my money goes to show these people that with a little persistance for premature social security benefits, you too can be rewarded by sitting on your fat ass in front of your DirecTV while I spent 6 months of sleep deprivation in Saudi Arabia for OIF.

- replacing the carpet at my old high school, originally designed for 1000 students and currently holding about 2200. I’m really glad that they replaced the carpet when it was 29 years old because oh boy, it sure would have been a disaster to let it reach age 30, wow.

- maintaining monuments that are the laughingstock of the USA. How about Birmingham’s Vulcan? Or Enterprise’s Boll Weevil? The former is a bare-assed bronze nightmare known to residents as The Mooner and the latter is a statue built in honor of a bug.

Boy, that’s so worthwhile for my $5,000 and I was really grateful for these services for the 3 days that I spent in Alabama since 2003. Sure, I could have used that $5,000 to fund the graduate school expenses I paid out of pocket, or even half of that luscious leather couch, but I can sleep easy tonight knowing that it went to a much better purpose.